Okay - okay - okay - okay, we're gonna play this super-fun-awesome game I've just discovered. It's called we're all gonna just look the other way and pretend I haven't suddenly found myself falling unceremoniously and with very little dignity for the well-drawn AkuRoku-ness I've stumbled upon when I was really only trying to satisfy my Demyx craving. So okay, are you all ready to play this game with me? Okay great, GO!

...wow this is fun isn't it?

Okay but seriously, is anyone even really going to see this? I suppose nii-san prolly has me in his list to be notified when I add something. Let's all say "hiiii nii-chan!!!" *pauses to listen*...*hears nothing*...BAD KITTIES! YOU ALL GET NO MUFFIN-TREATS!

So yeah he'll probably be confused because I sound so hyper which is so NOT the way I've been lately, well, lately in particular, almost EVER in general. I blame it on hours spent unintentionally absorbed in looking through that stuff we're not going to mention or acknowledge. Plus it's just so easy to be hyper when typing compared to when talking face to face. After all, to my brain there's that handy buffer that goes by the name "oh the internet isn't real, i can be different there and be all happy and lighthearted if I want to no matter what's going on."

As for the "what's going on" yeah well the state doesn't really care about me, and they're right now engaged in thoroughly screwing me over under the guise of trying to help me, that's what's going on.

Confused? I've finally accepted that while I still want to get better and all and desperately hope that's a possibility SOMEDAY, after more than half a decade of not really learning much of use in treating my ever-elusive mental holy-shit-my-brain-not-worky-no-more illness(es!?) it's time to try to lay some groundwork for not starving to death in case the next few years don't find me significantly improving, you know, like enough maybe to not live every day guilt-ridden for siphoning off resources from my family without being able to give anything back. Yeah, I know, they all don't want me to feel guilty and having me around maybe counts to them as giving something back (even when I don't feel up to seeing some of them almost ever...sorry dad), but dammit I still feel like a mooch no matter how much I know I'm not doing it on purpose.

Oh, sorry was that not clear? What I meant was I'm in the middle of applying for disability assistance with the state/social security. I've got some temporary coverage right now, but the more long term stuff is a long haul fraught with head-smashy-into-wall-repeatedly frustrations and discouragements and lots of work that's ever-so-much-more-difficult-not-that-they-care for those whose disability is mental in nature. Honestly I don't understand how anyone who doesn't have someone like my mom to remove a great deal of the burden from their shoulders can possibly get it done. Maybe they can't. Maybe they starve or kill themselves and the problem is neatly resolved for those who no longer have to decide if they'll be shelling out money to them i.e. the government.

So yeah I don't feel like getting into all the crap that just got dumped in my lap within the last two days, I'll probably just start breaking down in tears AGAIN if I let myself think it through any more. As usual I have to struggle to find something to hold my interest instead of letting my mind race over and over things I can't do anything about at the moment. So all I have left in that department is really novels and video games. That's all I've been able to do for a good long time. Ever since my last psychiatrist (before the current one who I might not be able to see any more fuckyouCommunityHealthPlan) screwwed me up even worse over the course of the six months I was seeing him I can't even do the things that used to feel at least KINDA constructive like knitting. I lost more ground than I could afford thanks to that bastard and I really only ever gained enough back to exist in this purgatory-esque state that I'm sickeningly used to. But unfortunately I'm hovering on the wrong side of that state lately, where it's not always easy to spark interest in the things I look to to keep me distracted. I've started so many games lately and just kind of had my interest disappear after a while lately. I had finally picked up my old P3:FES file again after god knows how long (I refuse to start over in that or number 4 after all the work I've put in filling up my compendium) and I was REALLY into that for a while, but oh look I don't care anymore now. I picked up Grandia again (yeah the first one) and started over and I was really into THAT for a while, but oh look I don't care anymore (I've never beaten either of those--or rather any of those three--games so far, and I'm fairly surprised when I think about that fact). "But Lisa, you might ask me, weren't you playing Jade Cocoon 2 and enjoying it a while ago?" Yes. Yes I was. A long while ago now. And I don't care about that either. "Well what about Chrono Cross?" Yeah no, not interested anymore. "Harvest Moon:IoH?" Too much work (ha ha yeah I know it's a game about farming, shut up.) "Okay, well you picked up Final Fantasy IX again recently, surely you're not tired of that already?" HaHA oh surely I AM! Aparently. "Well how are you doing with KH:358/2 Days?" Well ya see with all the Demy obsession lately, not to mention the development tonight that we're scrupulously not going to mention, it's hard to adjust my rampaging imagination back to the REAL story. Anyway, ever since the L button on my DS decided it wasn't worth it's time to work properly anymore (fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck) I have to contort my left hand trying to mash it hard enough that it will actually recognize the input every time I need to cast a spell (or use an item, but I never really do that) that it's been cramping up my thumb really bad trying to play that game. "Well okay, sure, fine. So what's the next game you have coming from GameFly? Hasn't it been a while since you got a new one?" Yeah. yeah it has. Know why? 'Cause I never EVER remember to have someone put The Conduit back in the mail. It's still sitting over there all smug 'cause it knows I've been forgetting. WIPE THAT UGLY SMILE OFF YOUR FACE YOU STUPID FACE-LESS PIECE OF PLASTIC THAT CAN'T SMILE AND IS UNDER A PILE OF OTHER STUFF SO EVEN IF YOU COULD I COULDN'T SEE YOU ANYWAY!!! Tsk. Maybe I should listen to GLaDOS when she tells me that my video games aren't alive and, in fact, cannot smile. Okay enough crazy-talk (yeah right, but enough of THAT brand of crazy talk).

Umm yeah honestly anyone who actually IS happy to see me posting shouldn't get their hopes up. I haven't been able to draw more than maybe three or four pictures in the last several years, and even those were done with great effort and difficulty. I don't even doodle anymore. I wish I did, but it just doesn't come to me like it used to. I hope to god that's something that will change, but for now, even if I did have stuff to be posting I can't imagine that I'd be able to get myself to care. I honestly don't even remember why I suddenly got motivated to write this entry anyway. I probably won't touch it again for years if ever. Wish that weren't the case, but frankly you can't depend on me for things right now. Oh. I remember why I posted. I felt the need to post explanation SOMEWHERE for the sudden appearance of certain things in my favorites that we're all going to pretend we didn't see. Okay yeah, so bye.

-This journal entry brought to you by: A Bundle of Ill-Working Parts In the Shape of a Girl.